1 + 3 + 1 = 5 Paragraphs! [Spoken in the words of a shocked first-year college student)

[Based on Chapter 6 of Keith Hjortshoj’s “The Transition to College Writing”]

During my first year of high school, the most life-altering, dynamic phenomenon of my academic career was introduced to me: the magical Five Paragraph Writing Formula. For those of you who weren't so privileged as to have this explained to you in high school, that involved the introduction, three body paragraphs, and, to top it off, the conclusion. Always remember:

1 + 3 + 1 = 5 Paragraphs!

This meant that, no matter what the essay topic was, I would construct an introduction carefully including the three points that my body paragraphs would outline. Then, I would meticulously craft my three body paragraphs—no more, no less, mind you—in the exact order I dictated in my introduction (lest the reader mistake me for a disorganized writer). I would top off my creation with a neatly formed conclusion that basically summed up everything I said in my introduction and three body paragraphs. Thus, the following formula was true for me:

1 + 3 + 1 = 5 Paragraphs = Guaranteed well-organized “A+” worthy essay.

Really!

Now, how about going back and altering this formula for a shocked first-year college student?

1 + 3 + 1 = 5 Paragraphs = Boring essay that rarely catches the attention of a college professor and yields an astonishing C+.

Really?